My Thoughts, Numbered

For some strange reason, lately I found myself to be social. When I get around people that I don’t normally see, or get to spend time with, I get excited. I want to talk to them. I want to see how they’ve been. It puts me in a good mood to walk around a room with so many people I know and smile and say hi. I don’t know if it’s some head thing that I feel “popular,” which I don’t think that’s the case. I think it has to do more with the fact that I feel like I belong and am happy to.

The opposite to this is, I have been feeling especially unsocial to the people that I often spend time with. I get more annoyed, as if I was with people that I don’t know and they got on my nerves. I guess it’s just been that I’ve been spending so much time with these people that I need room to breathe. I need my space, and seeing these other people, and them being excited to see me, excites me to know that I have options. I have so many people in my life that I can call a friend, that we’re all cohesive. 

It’s a good feeling, and I’m happy to finally feel fully, comfortably, happy with myself, where I’m at, and the things I’m doing. I just wish I could have everything at once, not separated by my emotions and feel estranged from some of my best friends.

All I need is Bon Iver on some vinyl. I need to introduce it to my record player.

Now that I’ve had a few days away from school, from campus, from the people I nearly live with, I’ve had time to sit back and think about this past semester. 

This semester has changed my life, seriously. I’ve changed, for the better. I’ve learned so many  things about life, people, and most importantly myself. 

People:
I’ve learned that people are selfish. I knew this going in, but I’ve never seen it quite so literal. People only ever think about themselves and hardly about anything else. People don’t think. People have a hard time seeing things from other’s point of views. People don’t open up enough. People fear change. People have expectations that are hard to fill. People are careless. People are human.  People make mistakes. People are people. 

Life:
You can only do so much in life. You have to take it for what it’s worth. You have to take what it gives you and make the best. Making the best may not always seem like the best. It’s sometimes the worst, but when you’re walking with life and it leans over and gives you pennies instead of twenties, you have to go buy bubblegum and not a steak dinner.
Always do your best. You’re limited. Even the free birds are caged by the skies. Only you know what your best is, and if it’s not accomplished, your the only one who has to have that conniversation in your head before you fall asleep that tells you, you know what you did was wrong. 
You have to roll with the punches. Face adversity head on. When there is a problem, have a solution. Talk. Talk everything out. There’s an issue? Tell that person your beef to their face. Own up to responsibility. Answer the call. Find what meant to be.

Myself:
I’ve learned that I don’t crack under pressure. I stay positive in negative situations, when I’m a pessimist. I ask questions. I have a need to help people. When I need advice, I’m not afraid to ask for it. I can make decisions. I bite off more than I can chew, but I still swallow. I let my voice be heard, without yelling. I’m stubborn, but I’m willing to change. I’ve faced my faults. I show compassion. I make things happen. My alone time has never been so precious. I’m for sure an introvert. I am leader. My expectations for people are too high. I solve problems. I make sure to get sleep at night. I make sure my decisions have reason. I always do the right thing. I’ve found friends that I’ll have the rest of my life. I am building a life that is setting me up to succeed, and nothing less.

I’ve come to realize that all that I’ve learned has added even more maturity to myself. I see in my friends that I had growing up that they’re pretty much still stuck in high school. They party. They go crazy. I make memories that I’ll remember. I’m doing things that I can look back on and be proud of, and not feel regret. 

I’m making it a point to ask everyone what they’ve learned, and then comparing it to myself. The maturity, professionalism, and human qualities that I have encountered in just one semester are unique, and no one else’s experience can compare, but I’m curious to find out how when they reflect what they really feel.

No, I’m not living a lie. I am always myself. I’m not fake. I’m upfront. I’m honest. I don’t hold back. What you see is what you get. There’s just something inside of me lately that feels as though the people I have met this semester don’t know who I really am. It’s like they don’t know the things that make me, me. They don’t know that I’m a dark person. I’m a pessimist. I’m brutal. I’m hard on everyone. I judge. I enjoy depressing things. I love reading Sylvia Plath. I would rather read a book and be moved than go to a party. The time I need by myself is crucial. My music is slow and sometimes sad. I disagree with so many things everyone says. I appreciate the little things. I care for people more than I sometimes care about myself (an awful paradox). I see reality as it is, and don’t sugar-coat things. I’m harsh. I’m not as kind as the teddy-bear like personality that comes out.

I think they see some of these things, but they don’t understand it and respect it. They think I’m kidding when I say some of these things. Either they don’t believe it, or don’t care enough to. A lot of these people are selfish, one thing I judge them for. 

It’s hard to work with people who think of you one way, and then not understand who you really are, but I’m working through it and trying to make it better, because that’s all you can do.

I often wonder what it would be like if I did everything average. What if I was an average student. What if I just came to school, hung out in my floor with all the other guys, went to class, and repeat. What if all I had to worry about was just my next test. What if after class I just went back to my room and waited for someone to ask me to go do something.

How much different would my life be?

Would I be as stressful?

Would I be happy?

Could I be able to just sit back, not be involved, and do the bear minimum?

I’ll never know the answer. I’m always involved. I always go above and beyond. I always do my best in everything that I do…and I can’t help it. I would feel like a failure, or lazy, or I know that I’m not doing everything at its full potential. I would feel like a bad person.

At any time I could stop. I could quit. I could crawl into my hole of a room and only come out when I needed to. Next year I could move off campus, rent an house with my friends. The friends that I depend on the most. The friends that I would take a bullet for. The friends that I couldn’t be sane without. I could go live that simple life with them, but that’s not the path I’m taking. I’m getting involved again next year. I’m building a resume. I’m “becoming a better person.” 

I don’t know what’s best for me, and there’s no one that can tell me which is the better choice. They each have their pros and cons, but it would be nice for a change to live the simple life I admire so much. 

So I’m an adult. I don’t know how I feel about it. In all actuality, it doesn’t feel like I’m an adult. I still fill like a kid. I feel like there’s this big huge world in front of me, and I’m somehow supposed to tackle it all on my own. Just thrown out in the wind and the only one who can protect me is myself. 

All of a sudden, these responsibilities are being thrown at me, and every expects as if I know what I’m supposed to do with them, when really I have no clue what’s going on on the inside, but by a miracle I can pull it together on the outside and make it look like I have everything together, I have a plan, and I know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Not everyone has this exterior shield I’ve come to find out. Some like to be overly sensitive and always right, and let you know it. Others like to be always right, and not let anyone else voice their opinion and have it applied. Some like to be controlling, bossy, and hateful  just because they feel they have the right to be. There are some who like to smile to your face, and then flip you off when you turn your back.

Then there’s the rare breed that are genuine. They care about the people around them, even though at times they might not care to much for them, they still don’t want to tear them down.

All that’s ever needed is a good positive attitude. I know what you’re thinking, I’m such a pessimistic person, that I’m being hypocritical, but honestly I’ve learned so much about leadership, how to handle situations, and most importantly myself. I’ve watched other people, and I see how their bad moods, hateful comments, and overall terrible attitudes affects everyone else and I’m not okay with it. I don’t want to be the guy who they look at with negativity and think about me the way I feel about them right now. I’m not going to have a double standard.

All everyone needs to do is just chill out. The way they see things, are not the only way. It is okay to use some else’s idea. There’s nothing wrong with listening. You don’t have to be rude, start an argument, or have superiority to get people to do what you want to do. And lastly, be genuine.
Give people a reason to help you.
Be a good person.
Have faith in others. 
Stay calm, even when you want to scream.
Just breathe. 

Why can’t people write like they used to. 

One of my favorite quotes is by Winston Churchill. He was at a dinner party discussing politics and a woman interjects:

“Woman:  If you were my husband I’d poison your tea!
Churchill: If you were my wife I’d drink it!”

Where has that wit gone to in today’s society?

Do you ever wonder if pop songs are the way they are because that’s the way the producers want them, and not the way the artist or writer intended it to sound? Like the producers want it to have that “sound” that will get it played on the radio, instead of the deep, emotional sound like it had when it was being written?

Imagine if the radio still had soul. Computers no longer made the sound, but actual instruments. What a crazy concept, right?

There are so many songs out there have incredibly deep meaning, that make you think, cry, laugh, love, or sometimes hate, but it’s always covered up with a large bass, or a weird noise that that sound you hear is all you brain can concentrate on and you completely miss the point, unless you slow it down, listen to the words, and hear what the artist is really wanting you to say. 

The radio has damaged music.

I hate authority. 

Now that I’ve entered the real world, with more people, people that have egos bigger than mine and have to steal the show from everyone else, that have to be sure their voice is heard, and people who only think about themselves, there is one quote that comes to mind that when I first read it, I loved it, but it hasn’t came to my first realization that more people do this, that I’ve ever realized before. It goes likes this:

“Narrator: When people think you’re dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just..
Marla Singer: Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?”

No one really ever shuts up. They might no be speaking, but they aren’t really listening to you when you speak. They’re coming up with the next thing they are going to say. People are so self involved that they can’t take a few minutes out of their lives to stop and hear what other people might have to say. It’s a disgrace to the human race.

Chuck Palahniuk couldn’t have said it better, honestly. When you’re dying, or dead, people really want to know what you have or had to say, they only care about what come out of their mouths when you’re standing in front of them. 

I’m a good..no, I take that back, I’m a great listener. I would actually consider it hobby. I listen to everyone and everything. I soak up what others have to say, and I don’t say much myself. 

What’s ruined society is stupidity. There is so much ignorance going around these days that people automatically assume that what you are about to say is more than likely stupid than beneficial to them. Just because you can say, doesn’t mean you always should, but you should always be listening. Always. 

We left with no harsh words. There were no bridges burned. Hopes to keep in touch, and not fade away, we did not see what the future had in store. 

Now that our new lives are here, we have almost forgotten the past. On days when the time we spent together are the only reason we wear smiles on our face, we know it is now only memories. 

Our new friends have replaced the old ones. We hardly ever talk, and we see each other even less. This is not on purpose, but it’s what always happens. Life. 

It takes me about 30 minutes to an hour to fully fall asleep while in my dorm.

I lay down, close my eyes and begin to go over all my classes and make sure I have all the homework done, that needs to be done. Then I open my eyes to make sure my roommate isn’t trying to kill me. 

I close my eyes again and think about my day in general. What I did, what I need to do and all the expectations of tomorrow, and my eyes shoot open again to make sure my roommate isn’t standing over me watching me sleep.

My eyes are again closed and the song that’s been stuck in my head all day repeats the chorus over and over and over again when I finally sit up, grab my computer and listen to it. 

I lay back down close my eyes, and finally my mind begins to somewhat slow down, and my neighbor hits something against the wall which makes me think my roommate is attacking me, when all he is doing is his homework he’s procrastinated to do at the last minute with his annoying orange lamp that gives the room a weird psychedelic vibe that covers my eyelids and makes me not want to sleep because I see enough orange during the day that all I want is to see black so I smash my face into the darkest corner of my bed and FINALLY I fall asleep and don’t awake until my roommate wakes up and begins to turn on every viable light in the room, opening and closing, opening and closing the door all the while it slams every time.

A little normality is all I ask.